How to talk to someone about their drinking
The hardest part is the first sentence. Here are some, with the reasoning behind them.
If you’ve been rehearsing this conversation in your head for weeks, this page is for you. It gives you the rules that hold up, then actual sentences you can adapt.
The short answer
Choose a calm moment when they’re sober. Start with how you feel and one specific thing you’ve seen. Keep it short. Offer support. Don’t try to settle it all in one go. That’s the whole thing. The rest is wording.
The six rules
These come from the ODPHP, MedlinePlus and We Are With You, and they hold up:
- Timing. When they’re not drinking, and ideally open. Not when they’re upset.
- “I”, not “you”. “I feel worried” lands differently from “you’re out of control.”
- One specific thing. “I noticed you missed work on Monday,” not a list of everything.
- No labels, lectures or threats. Skip words like alcoholic (MedlinePlus says to avoid them).
- Short. Short sentences, simple words, so they can take it in.
- It’s the first of several. Aim for a short conversation today, and pick it up another time.
Scripts by relationship
These are examples I’ve written from those principles, not quotes from the sources. Change them until they sound like you.
To a partner
“I want to talk about something, and I’m saying it because I love you, not to fight. I’ve been worried about the drinking, especially [one specific thing: last weekend, the mornings]. I’d like to understand how you see it. And I’d like to help, if you want that.”
Why it works: it names the care first, one specific thing, and asks instead of telling.
To a parent
“Mom/Dad, I’d like to say something and I’d like you to hear me out. I’ve noticed [one thing]. I’m worried about you. I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I just wanted you to know I’m here.”
Why it works: it doesn’t reverse the roles or give orders, and it leaves the door open.
To an adult child
“I love you and I’ve noticed [one thing]. I’m worried. I’m not going to lecture you. What’s it like from your side?”
Why it works: it opens with love, and a question gives them space to talk.
To a friend
“Hey, can I say something? I’ve noticed [one thing] and I care about you. If you ever want to talk about it, or do something that isn’t a bar, I’m in.”
Why it works: it’s light, specific and offers an alternative, an activity that doesn’t involve drinking (the ODPHP suggests the same).
What not to say
- “You’re an alcoholic.”
- “You always…” / “You never…”
- “If you loved me, you’d stop.”
- “I’ll leave if you don’t.” (unless you truly mean it and have thought it through)
- Anything when they’ve been drinking.
If it goes badly
Don’t push on if things get heated. Step back. “This doesn’t mean you’ve failed.” Defensiveness often means they feel threatened, not that they’re hostile (We Are With You). Leave them with something like: “I’m here for you whenever you are ready.” That line is from the ODPHP.
Then pick it up another time.
When talking has broken down
Consider a letter, especially if talking has broken down (a suggestion from We Are With You). A letter lets you say it calmly and lets them read it in private. Keep it short, specific and kind, and end with an offer, not a demand.
If they say yes
The most useful thing is to make the first days easier: no alcohol in the house, simple food, a plan for the evenings, and someone who’ll answer a message. If they drink heavily every day, they should read the safety note at the end of this page first. The choice of path is theirs.
The bigger picture is in how to help someone stop drinking.
If they want somewhere to begin without signing up for anything, Today is free and asks for no information. Offer it once and let them decide.
Keep reading in this guide
- Helping someone stay sober covers what helps after they have stopped, and slips.
What do I say to my partner about their drinking?
Speak from your own feelings and be specific: 'I felt worried when... I'd like us to talk about it.' Avoid labels and ultimatums, and don't expect to settle it in one talk.
How do I talk to a parent about their drinking?
The same principles apply: calm moment, 'I' statements, one concern, and room for them to answer. A short letter can work if talking has broken down.
How do I talk to a friend who drinks too much?
Be specific and kind: name one thing you've noticed, say you care, and offer to do something that doesn't involve drinking.
What if they get angry or deny it?
Step back. It doesn't mean you've failed, and defensiveness often means they feel threatened, not hostile (We Are With You says the same). Say you're available when they're ready.
Should I talk to them when they're drunk?
No. Find a time when they aren't drinking, and don't argue with them when they have been (MedlinePlus advises both).
Sources
- Alcohol use: conversation starters · Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion (ODPHP), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
- Alcohol use disorder: helping a loved one (patient instructions) · U.S. National Library of Medicine (MedlinePlus)
- How to talk to someone about their drinking or drug use · We Are With You (UK charity)
We check these when we update a page. See how we write and check on the editorial policy.
If they want somewhere private to start, Today is a free daily routine with no account and no scores. You can share it without pressure.
Open Today
The First Hour isn't medical advice, and we're not doctors. This is writing grounded in research by people who got sober and wanted to share what helped. It's not treatment, diagnosis, or a substitute for a doctor, therapist, or recovery program. Alcohol withdrawal can be medically dangerous. If you're detoxing, struggling, or in crisis, please reach out to a medical professional or a helpline.